Who are you?
Today I confronted my demons, well one major one, my ex husband, my husband and I had flown interstate to be with our grandson for his first birthday to see my daughter and her partner and have a lovely visit, my other daughter and granddaughter came along as well and it was lovely to catch up and do fun things, at the end of that week there was a birthday party for our grandson, where, inevitably I would have to see my ex husband and all those emotions would come flooding back, ones of a loveless hopeless, marriage, his passive aggressive behavior and his snarly sideways looks he would give me. Ten years of stalking me and it filled me with dread.
I battled for months before we left, how I would face this man again, be in the same room with him and remain composed, to a point where I was making myself sick.
When we arrived we were greeted and as he walked past me I took hold of his arm and pulled him to one side. I said “it’s been a long time since we broke up”, “20 years he replied”, I said “I just want to put it all behind us and say sorry, and I hope you are sorry too” I then reached up and wrapped my arms around him and gave him a hug, he said sorry as well and although tension still was a little thick, I made an effort during the day to go up to him again and ask how his elderly mother was doing as she wasn’t able to make it to the party and waved goodbye as we left.
I released those demons on that day and in my mind that old wound is now healed and I am glad and I feel free from it.
Isn’t forgiveness wonderful?
His name was Nuno, I met him whilst working on a creative project online, he seemed kind and very keen to get to know me further. Nuno was one of my soul mates, no not in a romantic way, in a way where they teach big lessons.
I am very blessed to have a husband, my twin flame, who trusts me and loves me unconditionally, because I spent a lot of time with Nuno. We became close friends and he fell in love with me, in his mind. I however didn’t feel those same romantic feelings yet I couldn’t walk away from him. He was kind and supportive and put on a great act of being this kind loving supportive being in my life for over 2 years.
As I was not interested in a romantic relationship with him, what he did in his personal life was none of my business, however, he claimed he was in love with me and was faithful to that love, I didn’t feel this was true, so when I pressed him on some things I felt he was lying about, eventually he came clean about lying and having lovers etc, I simply told him I forgive him and we continued our friendship, as that was all it ever was to me, a friendship. I explained I didn’t love him like he wanted me to and how he professed he loved me, he said he was fine with that and wanted to remain in my life anyway. We stayed friends.
My husband, as amazing as he is isn’t perfect as none of us are and had trouble showing affection in ways I felt I needed, he showed his affection in many many other ways, ways most women would die for, he makes me breakfast in bed every morning, cooks and cleans for me, because he knows it makes me sick, supports my creativity, amongst many many other things, however being a victim of emotional and psychical abuse I had other needs that we just couldn’t seem to click into place.
This is where Nuno came in, he wanted to give me the affection I was craving from my husband, however I didn’t want that from anyone other than my husband.
One day Nuno showed me his true colours and pushed me to a limit where, once pushed I never return from and I stopped any further communication with him.
Two weeks later I woke up to my husband in tears, loving soulful tears, I asked him what was wrong, he explained he had just heard a song and he had an epiphany about the affection I had been asking from him, he explained that he now understood and from that day on he has shown me that one piece that was missing, the song is very meaningful to us both now and it was written by a man called….Nuno.
The universe is truly amazing.
The energy you vibrate will be how your aura resonates and what your physical body creates, so don’t let anyone speak negative to you, about you or around you, think love, vibrate love, resonate love, create love for yourself and your body. Then everyone else has no option but to feel the resonance and join in the song.
Don’t know what to give someone for Christmas? I have had a lot of requests for Gift Cards for Christmas.
Made especially for the occasion.
Here is an example of one I made for someone this week. All gift cards will be unique, so this is an example and you can chose your own theme or colors. Starting from $65.00 AUD these are valid for a year and are sure to please.
Please contact me if you would like to give a gift card this Christmas.
My blogs are raw and come from my heart and soul, some who read them may identify with things I have said and some are mentioned in those ramblings from my soul.
When I wrote this blog I included a tough to write, but deep pain of being hurt by one of my sisters who abandoned me in a time of need and how I have forgiven her.
Within a few moments of posting the blog she messaged and and said she saw what I had written about her and instead of the vitriolic “what did I do? How dare you say those things about me! I have always been there for you” etc etc, she apologised if she had ever let me down, how proud of me she was and the strength it takes to tell my story and that she too is on her own path of learning. And you know what? Her reaction was one of love and I admired it so much and I told her so.
This was all I wanted from her, the understanding that I felt …that it was how I felt. And that she was sorry.
I am so proud of her reply and it made up for any wrong doings in the past.
I am proud too that she is now walking her own path beyond.
I love you my sister.
I made an Instagram account for the Path Beyond so I could share photos easily from my phone, I often have random thoughts and I write them down on my phone so this was an easy way for me to use them as some inspiration for others.
I gathered a few followers and as I scrolled and read the posts, all I saw was quotes after repeated quotes, I pondered. Who were these people, well one, half my age offered to help heal me…not sure of what. But I’m sure her costs would have been worth it..right…?
But then, this same clueless guru, a young lady in her early 20’s, who was now a proclaimed “Master” who has clearly found her path to enlightenment at such a tender age, through selfies of her “smile” that she told everyone press like and type “yes” in her comments, if you thought she had a nice smile, posted yet another selfie and I realised that so many people step onto their path, walk it for a day or ten, then figure that’s all there is to it, they are enlightened and can go on to heal and teach others with selfies and photos of fresh fruit, oh because you must be a vegan too, this month.
I saw the same quotes posted, the same photos of how happy these people were living in what I call a life illusion, one where you post all your happiness all over social media platforms, because you are happy, right? Well not always, they want you to believe they are, so they can then suggest you purchase their E-book, or services. Then when the facade comes off, they have bad days, just like you and me, they feel sick when they get the flu, they visit the Dr for anxiety or depression, or their failed marriage, which is all hidden behind photos of them smiling with their latest plate of fresh food.
So here we are faced with people who feel inadequate, because they don’t get to go out to dinner with their husband all the time, or they are not arranging fruit into wonderfully colourful platters, or smiling for the camera with full make up and hair done every day. Well guess what? Neither are these Clueless Gurus, once their day ends or the weekend comes you better believe that they are sobbing into a bag of popcorn whilst they watch a romcom, wishing the man of their dreams would call back, instead of being at the pub with the boys and all that week of eating fruit now has them on the toilet so Pizza and Chocolate it is for dinner for them tonight.
No one is perfect, never aim to be, because once you are perfect, you will be very lonely on your way out of here, because once your lessons are learned, baby its time to go back………………So enjoy all the good and the bad and please walk your path, speak your truth, do as you preach and stop the social media rot.
I wonder how many people who share, like, and comment on how amazing a certain raw food page is, actually knows it is run by a car yard, you know, for the money, from the E-books they then feel obliged to buy, so they can also obtain this Nirvana, these Clueless Gurus claim to have found.
Liking or replying yes to a post on social media doesn’t make you an enlightened being, it makes you a sheep.
Needless to say I found an alternative way to post my inspiration and my Instagram is no longer.
Fibromyalgia is a chronic disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain, fatigue, and multiple tender points. “Tender points” refers to tenderness that occurs in precise localized areas, particularly in the neck, spine, shoulders, and hips. People with this syndrome may also experience sleep disturbances, morning stiffness, irritable bowel syndrome, anxiety, and other symptoms.
Although the cause of fibromyalgia is unknown, researchers have several theories about causes or triggers of the disorder. Some scientists believe that the syndrome may be caused by an injury or trauma. This injury may affect the central nervous system. Fibromyalgia may be associated with changes in muscle metabolism, such as decreased blood flow, causing fatigue and decreased strength. Others believe the syndrome may be triggered by an infectious agent such as a virus in susceptible people, but no such agent has been identified.
Fibromyalgia is difficult to diagnose because many of the symptoms mimic those of other disorders. The physician reviews the patient’s medical history and makes a diagnosis of fibromyalgia based on a history of chronic widespread pain that persists for more than 3 months. The American College of Rheumatology (ACR) has developed criteria for fibromyalgia that physicians can use in diagnosing the disorder. According to ACR criteria, a person is considered to have fibromyalgia if he or she has widespread pain in combination with tenderness in at least 11 of 18 specific tender point sites.
Signs and symptoms
Fibromyalgia is a chronic illness that can be debilitating for many. Fibromyalgia sufferers can experience a wide range of symptoms with varying intensities and may include:
Memory impairment and concentration
Widespread musculoskeletal aches
Soft tissue tenderness
Pain and stiffness
Irritable bowel and bladder
Headaches and migraines
Skin sensitivities and rashes
Dry eyes and mouth
Poor (brain) cognition
Ringing in the ears (tinnitus)
Restless Leg Syndrome (periodic limb movement disorder)
Raynaud’s Syndrome (freezing hands/feet)
Neurological symptoms (muscle weakness, numbness)
18 Points of Tenderness
Painful tender points are located at various places on your body and are a common characteristic of Fibromyalgia Syndrome, which can be part of the diagnostic process. Your health care provider will ask about your pain symptoms and then press on a series of anatomically-defined soft tissue body sites called “tender points.” Eleven of the 18 tender point sites must be painful when pressed in order to receive a medical diagnosis of Fibromyalgia.
While any body part can be affected, the most common sites of pain include:
Neck and Back
Shoulders and Chest
Hips and Knees
Hands and Elbow Regions
Buttocks and Pelvic Girdle
Tender points are generally superficial areas under the surface of the skin, such as the area over the elbows or shoulders. However, the tender points of these areas are usually very small, about the size of a penny. Tender points also involve localized areas of tenderness and pain around the joints, but do not involve the joint itself.
These 18 tender points will usually be highly sensitive to pressure in people with fibromyalgia as specified by the American College of Rheumatology criteria. The pain can feel like a deep bone ache, pins and needles, or a stabbing or burning pain. Muscles may feel like they have been pulled or overworked. There are times this pain is mild, others when it is so severe that it becomes unbearable. People who do not have fibromyalgia feel less tenderness when pressure is applied to these areas.
I must stress here that everyone’s fibro story and symptoms are different and we all need to respect that we each experience it differently.
Follow my own Fibro Story Here
POLYCYSTIC OVARIAN SYNDROME (PCOS)
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS, is a condition which occurs in five to ten percent of women of reproductive age. It is associated with a hormonal imbalance that can cause a variety of symptoms, including but not limited to:
Period problems – ranging from no periods at all to irregular, heavy or painful periods. May be linked to difficulty in becoming pregnant due to irregular ovulation (egg release).
Excessive hair growth on the face and body (hirsutism) and/or thinning of the hair on the head (alopecia).
Dark skin patches (called acanthosis nigricans) on the back of the neck or under the armpits or in skin creases.
Problems with easy weight gain and increased upper or abdominal body fat. However, not all women with PCOS have weight problems.
What are the long-term risks?
Studies show that women with PCOS may have an increased risk of:
Diabetes – either pregnancy related or Type 2 (there is an estimated five to seven times higher risk than usual).
Higher blood pressure
Fatty liver disease
Thickening of the endometrial wall (lining of the uterus) which may increase the risk of cancer if not treated.
Fortunately, with early diagnosis and proper management, these risks can be reduced.
What causes PCOS?
No one is quite sure what causes PCOS. Recent studies indicate that lifestyle, environmental and genetic factors can be involved. Sometimes it occurs in families where there is a history of PCOS, diabetes or heart disease.
How is PCOS diagnosed?
Early diagnosis is important so that your symptoms can be managed. Early diagnosis may also prevent long term health problems.
If PCOS is suspected, your doctor will ask you questions about your family history, and your own medical history, including any problems you might be having with your periods (menstruation) and ovulation. Your doctor will also order blood tests to check your hormone levels and an ultrasound to look at your ovaries.
The doctor will suspect PCOS if two of the following situations apply to you:
an ultrasound picture of your ovaries shows polycystic ovaries (PCO)*
you have a history of menstrual or ovulation problems
there are changes in your hormones (like testosterone) that cause excess facial and body hair or acne.
Your doctor will also look for signs of insulin resistance or metabolic syndrome and will also do tests to exclude or rule out other hormonal conditions.
*PCOS is not the same as polycystic ovaries (PCO). PCO only relates to how the ovaries look on an ultrasound, not the entire syndrome. Many people have the ultrasound findings alone and do not have the syndrome.
Hormonal Changes of PCOS
The ovaries and adrenal glands make androgens. Androgens are the so called ‘male’ sex hormones – such as testosterone – that are present in low levels in all women. In PCOS the ovaries either produce more androgens than normal or the body is more sensitive to these levels of testosterone. This may lead to hair growth, acne and irregular periods. It also affects ovulation (release of the egg from the ovary once a month), which may not occur regularly.
Insulin and insulin resistance
When we eat, insulin is the hormone released from the pancreas that keeps blood glucose (sugar) levels well controlled. It moves glucose from the blood to body cells to be used for energy. PCOS increases the body’s resistance to the action of insulin, so it takes higher than usual levels of insulin to let glucose into cells. This is called hyperinsulinaemia. The higher insulin levels affect your ovaries, and change the production of other hormones, such as testosterone, leading to the hormonal symptoms of PCOS.
Insulin is a growth hormone, which normally increases during times such as adolescence and pregnancy, but constant high levels can lead to too much fat in the upper body. Extra fat tissue can then have the affect of increasing the insulin resistance which will lead to even higher insulin levels, further weight gain and worsening PCOS symptoms. Not all women with PCOS are overweight, but thinner women still can have some insulin resistance.
If you have higher insulin levels it does not mean you have diabetes, as your blood sugar levels are usually still normal. However, if your body is eventually unable to create enough insulin to maintain the higher levels, diabetes can occur.
I can’t stress enough about trying to keep your PCOS under control as you can read in my PCOS story here
Ouch I think you got me, that dig about being a bad mother, calling me fat, telling me I am always sick, saying I am manipulating or a liar. Bam! Bam! Bam! they all hit me right where you wanted them to, right where it hurts. In those deep emotional scars from childhood.
However here’s the thing, they can only hurt if I allow them to. I once had a friend who would reply to my statements of “it’s a worry” with “only if you worry about it”. I had nowhere to go with any pity party then, I was stopped in my tracks.
But how do you stop it when it’s such an emotionally vicious attack on your self worth?
It’s easy for me to say don’t react, but those wounds are deep and potentially never leave, so if that’s the case and we always react when shot with the gun, what do we do? How do we not allow that to affect us anymore?
We can cut people out of our lives and never allow people who know those triggers and use them as a weapon to be in your life anymore, which isn’t always possible but is definitely doable.
It can only hurt you if you let it, right? Well no, it will hurt anyway, even if we don’t react right away it will seep deep into our psyche and cause some kind of issue, like passive aggressive behavior, evasive behavior, sulking, withdrawal or even anger or physical pain. that will erupt later on.
Unless we learn how to let go of the belief system that has us believing all these terrible things said about us are true, that is where the answers lay.
So let me tell you what helped me.
- I acknowledged what happened to me, as something that happened, no longer something that made me who I was – I had been sexually abused, I wasn’t sexually abused, I had been bullied, I wasn’t bullied. I had been neglected, abandoned and treated unfairly, I wasn’t now being bullied, neglected abandoned or treated unfairly. These things happened, they are not happening now and so I no longer need to hold onto them as something I “am”.
- I removed people from my life who knew those triggers and continuously jabbed them, be them family or friend, I then went on to forgive them.
- I confronted my demons and as much as she hated it, I confronted my mother about my childhood sexual abuse by her brother in law and I refused to be around this man again.
- I forgave my mother for not protecting me and accepting that it happened. I had learnt that she would one day have to deal with her own wounds from this one along with a plethora of other things she did to me which I will discuss as I unravel more of my healing journey.
- I forgave the man who did it, no I didn’t hug him and say I forgive him, I simply chose not to be a victim any longer. I could either wallow in self pity and carry emotional baggage that was making me sick, or I could simply hand that heavy bag to him and let him carry it, so I did.
- I forgave my father for the abuse he had caused when he beat me with a wooden spoon until it broke and for the put downs and shaming, before he made his own revelations and changes in his life.
- I forgave my sister for abandoning me when I was left to be sexually abused, I also forgave her for constantly belittling me and putting me down our whole lives and for judging me.
- I forgave my other sister for refusing to help me when I needed her the most, being rushed to hospital with whooping cough and asking for help to look after my children. For her lies and nastiness when things between us went haywire.
- I forgave my best friend of 30 years whose life I saved when she tried to commit suicide, then abused me along with her family and dumped me as a friend.
- I forgave all of my so called friends who judged me and left me when I was going through a painful divorce and I forgave my husband for that painful divorce and years of emotional abuse and stalking me for 10 years after we parted.
- Do I want any of these people in my life now? No I don’t and I chose not to associate with them.
- I surround myself only with people who love me on a level where they see the beauty within me and nothing less.
- I lost interest in the past, about how I was a victim of all this abuse on many levels, I stopped telling the story in victim mode.
- I told myself everyday that from my pain came my strength, and whilst that pain was real and oh so painful, it made me into the strong woman I am today and for that I am thankful.
- I spoke to my higher self, regularly, great, long, learning, loving conversations which helped me immensely and who asked me this question: “If you had a choice to go back and be born into a loving, nurturing, pain free environment, where life was grand, but you wouldn’t be who you are today, you would be someone with less strength, with lesser understanding spiritually than you have now, without the children you have now, the grandchildren and the loving partner you have now, would you change it”? “Well hell no!”, I replied, “So be grateful and be happy, you are one of the lucky ones who has learnt”.
What’s your trigger and would you change your life to go back and not be who you are today?
If your answer is yes, then keep watching, as I take you on my healing journey.
If you would like help on your own healing journey come see me here