I am who I’m meant to be

Ok so I don’t have a beard, well maybe a few stray chin hairs, but I heard this song and felt the powerful message which is for everyone!

Click Here For This Inspirational Song

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are
But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)
I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
This is me
and I know that I deserve your love
(Oh-oh-oh-oh) ’cause there’s nothing I’m not worthy of
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is proof
This is who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come (look out ’cause here I come)
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I’m gonna send a flood
Gonna drown them out
Oh
This is me
Songwriters: Justin Paul / Benj Pasek

Bonkers I tell you!

I am posting some old blogs I have written and kept as I was healing, over the last 5 years, this is one of them dated 28/9/2016

I have now healed all of this pain and I post this to maybe help with yours, and am always here if you need help.

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I’ve never really fancied visiting the UK, the cold puts me off, I think I’d die it the temperature dropped below 14 degrees celcius, however when I met my husband who lived in the UK at the time, I felt a new found excitement to visit places he grew up and as I became closer to his family and especially his mother I hoped that I would find with in her the love I never really got from my own mother.

So my feelings of nurturing this relationship with the UK and his family became exciting, then things changed, drastically, his family shunned me, halted all normal communication, becoming accusatory and seeing me as some sort of enemy, little did they know that my excitement to embrace a new family led me to encourage my husband to keep up constant communication and I would take photos of our time together to share with them and send flowers to his mother at random times so she knew she was special to us.  All of it met with this underlying feeling of being some outsider who had stolen their son from them.

It took me a while to accept this and get over it. Oddly they have now accepted fully and wholeheartedly a convicted felon into their loving embrace, one who has assaulted and beaten past partners and police officers, this woman is now due to marry into the family and plans are in place to make room in their home to accommodate her to live there, I’ve never met her so I won’t pass judgment however now I can peacefully put aside any worry that their shunning of me was any of my own wrong doing and that they are simply stark raving bonkers!

Smiles and love

Aurora

This Too Shall Pass.

I am posting some old blogs I have written and kept as I was healing, over the last 5 years, this is one of them dated 13/2/2017

I have now healed all of this pain and I post this to maybe help with yours, and am always here if you need help.

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I‘ve been through child sexual abuse, emotional and physical abuse, degraded and disbelieved by family friends and doctor concerning my pain and illnesses, I’ve suffered heartache and pain, some which I never knew I had the strength to get through but now, looking at where I am in my life, two beautiful daughters and two amazing grandchildren, living a relaxed life with my soulmate and twin flame, whom I married and feel 100% loved unconditionally by, I have to think now, would I change any of that past, would I opt for a more loving mother, would I have changed whom I married when I was 18 would I have wanted to not go though all I have been through, if it meant that maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now?

Maybe my suffering would just be beginning or still happening then the answer is absolutely no I would not change a thing, because being abused helped me to find my voice and understand my inner voice as well, the places I used to go visit in my mind when I felt scared and alone, I now know those voices to be my spiritual guides and that place is my inner sanctuary and I chose those events to learn something’s that would help me to be a better person in this life time and in more to come.

So if you are going through pain or are trying to deal with past pain, then remember, this too shall pass and everything happens for a reason, even though we don’t always know or understand why – we will – one day .
With love
Aurora

Yes I was…

Yes I was emotionally abused and abandoned as a child.

Yes I was sexually abused by my Uncle when I was 5 years old.

Yes I was beaten by my father until I was black and blue and the wooden spoon he was using broke.

Yes I was fat shamed and bullied by my sister and my mother all of my life.

Yes I was called lazy, when I became sick and unable to do things they expected me to do.

Yes I was let down when I needed to be supported the most.

Yes my ex husband stalked me, harassed me and intimidated me for 10 years to a point where he almost broke me.

Yes I was cast aside by the Drs who had no idea how to help me and so I healed myself.

Yes I was told I would never fall pregnant and did it by becoming chemical free since 1990.

Yes I am anti vaccination and back in the 90’s was judged by my family who are now anti vaccination themselves.

Yes I am hyper sensitive and even when begging my mother to not use chemicals before my visits I was ignored.

Yes I was shunned as the black sheep of the family.

Yes I have been called a liar to prevent the truth coming out.

Yes my sister trawled my web page looking for things to call me a liar on to make herself feel superior.

Yes I reached out to my niece when I found out she was angry at me and was unsure why, and she rejected my offer of love and peace.

Yes my mother used lies to pretend she doesn’t get to see me enough.

Yes my family think things about me and say things about me that are not even the slightest bit true.

Yes I can only eat organic chicken and apples without feeling very sick and yes I get judged by my family for not being a vegan.

Yes I wanted to write all about the above in great detail so I could reach out to someone who might be feeling sad, alone, abandoned or depressed.

However, this is what I chose to do instead.

  • At my grandson’s first birthday party I walked up to my ex husband and hugged him and said I was sorry for any pain I caused him and he said sorry too.
  • I sent the others all a message, one of love and forgiveness, asking that they only speak about me in a truthful and positive manner and keep only loving thoughts of me in their mind at all times. I also thanked them for being in my life and how my soul loves their soul.
  • Some replied with love, some ignored me totally and that’s fine, it just shows they are not spiritually mature enough to understand, and I get that, because that is not mine to carry or deal with but theirs.

That is what I did and……….

Yes I am free!

And here my friends is the big ass full stop to the past 55 years of that part of my life.

 

Let the rest of my life commence with love and happiness.

Love always

Aurora

Have you found your BoushBah?

Who are you?

 Who do you think you are?
I mean really, truly, deep down who are you, what are your good attributes, your weaknesses or flaws that make you you?
I don’t mean the person your parents or caregivers told you you are or are not, what you are or not worthy of being or having but your BoushBah® your internal blueprint that makes up everything that new born baby had when they entered the world.
Because that is the true you, the authentic you, the one people are drawn to and admire and gosh it’s hard to rediscover who that person is, especially if you have lived a life of abuse or degradation, put downs and “put up withs”
But it’s important to go and discover your BoushBah® and here is where you begin to discover who you really are.
I meet people everyday who think they are stupid, ugly, fat, worthless and so many things that people have told them they are. Sometimes it’s to their face and sometimes it’s through actions or gossip.
If you are told these negative things long enough, you believe that’s who you really are, trust me, I did. I was shamed all my life, shamed as a liar, so people wouldn’t believe me if I ever spilt the beans that I was being sexually abused as a child, fat shamed constantly even though I actually wasn’t even fat. My mother’s favorite come back to have my sister say to me when we fought as young siblings was “tell her I’d rather be skinny and healthy than fat and unhealthy like you” I was only about 9 and not fat nor unhealthy, but you know what? I became both of those things, because I had to listen to it constantly.
I believed I was a liar and a horrible person, attracting to me others who would go on to believe those things about me and reinforce them into my own psyche, empowered by the belief that it must be true, everyone thinks so. Have you ever heard the saying “if you are being treated badly by everyone then there’s a common factor here – YOU”?
Well forget that load of bullshit because the truth is you are amazing and wonderful, no matter what you look like, what you have been through or who has hurt, it is them who is the common factor and their factor is their own insecurities. You see, people have to put you down to make themselves feel better about their own pain.
So shoo off the moths that hover around your flame trying so hard to flap their wings and snuff the light out, let them be free to go and find themselves and work out their own issues and find your Boushbah. That eternal light that can never be extinguished no matter how hard anyone tries. That is, once you are strong enough to believe it yourself!
Love always
Aurora –  Rocking my BoushBah

I am sorry and I hope you are too….

Today I confronted my demons, well one major one, my ex husband, my husband and I had flown interstate to be with our grandson for his first birthday to see my daughter and her partner and have a lovely visit, my other daughter and granddaughter came along as well and it was lovely to catch up and do fun things, at the end of that week there was a birthday party for our grandson, where, inevitably I would have to see my ex husband and all those emotions would come flooding back, ones of a loveless hopeless, marriage, his passive aggressive behavior and his snarly sideways looks he would give me. Ten years of stalking me and it filled me with dread.

I battled for months before we left, how I would face this man again, be in the same room with him and remain composed, to a point where I was making myself sick.

When we arrived we were greeted and as he walked past me I took hold of his arm and pulled him to one side. I said “it’s been a long time since we broke up”, “20 years he replied”, I said “I just want to put it all behind us and say sorry, and I hope you are sorry too” I then reached up and wrapped my arms around him and gave him a hug, he said sorry as well and although tension still was a little thick, I made an effort during the day to go up to him again and ask how his elderly mother was doing as she wasn’t able to make it to the party and waved goodbye as we left.

I released those demons on that day and in my mind that old wound is now healed and I am glad and I feel free from it.

Isn’t forgiveness wonderful?

The Cycle and The Kismet.

​His name was Nuno, I met him whilst working on a creative project online, he seemed kind and very keen to get to know me further. Nuno was one of my soul mates, no not in a romantic way, in a way where they teach big lessons.

I am very blessed to have a husband, my twin flame, who trusts me and loves me unconditionally, because I spent a lot of time with Nuno. We became close friends and he fell in love with me, in his mind. I however didn’t feel those same romantic feelings yet I couldn’t walk away from him. He was kind and supportive and put on a great act of being this kind loving supportive being in my life for over 2 years.

As I was not interested in a romantic relationship with him, what he did in his personal life was none of my business, however, he claimed he was in love with me and was faithful to that love, I didn’t feel this was true, so when I pressed him on some things I felt he was lying about, eventually he came clean about lying and having lovers etc, I simply told him I forgive him and we continued our friendship, as that was all it ever was to me, a friendship. I explained I didn’t love him like he wanted me to and how he professed he loved me, he said he was fine with that and wanted to remain in my life anyway. We stayed friends.

My husband, as amazing as he is isn’t perfect as none of us are and had trouble showing affection in ways I felt I needed, he showed his affection in many many other ways, ways most women would die for, he makes me breakfast in bed every morning, cooks and cleans for me, because he knows it makes me sick, supports my creativity, amongst many many other things, however being a victim of emotional and psychical abuse I had other needs that we just couldn’t seem to click into place.
This is where Nuno came in, he wanted to give me the affection I was craving from my husband, however I didn’t want that from anyone other than my husband.

One day Nuno showed me his true colours and pushed me to a limit where, once pushed I never return from and I stopped any further communication with him.

Two weeks later I woke up to my husband in tears, loving soulful tears, I asked him what was wrong, he explained he had just heard a song and he had an epiphany about the affection I had been asking from him, he explained that he now understood and from that day on he has shown me that one piece that was missing, the song is very meaningful to us both now and it was written by a man called….Nuno.

The universe is truly amazing.

I love you!

My blogs are raw and come from my heart and soul, some who read them may identify with things I have said and some are mentioned in those ramblings from my soul.

When I wrote this blog I included a tough to write, but deep pain of being hurt by one of my sisters who abandoned me in a time of need and how I have forgiven her.

Within a few moments of posting the blog she messaged and and said she saw what I had written about her and instead of the vitriolic “what did I do? How dare you say those things about me! I have always been there for you” etc etc, she apologised if she had ever let me down, how proud of me she was and the strength it takes to tell my story and that she too is on her own path of learning. And you know what? Her reaction was one of love and I admired it so much and I told her so.

This was all I wanted from her, the understanding that I felt …that it was how I felt. And that she was sorry.

I am so proud of her reply and it made up for any wrong doings in the past.

I am proud too that she is now walking her own path beyond.

I love you my sister.
Xx